Call me now…

Doing the rounds on the interwebs last night was the link to Cellular Solutions' staff page.

It was awesome.

I thought it was a front for an escort agency.

You scroll down the page ofrow upon row of beauteous chicks, until you get to the upper levels of management. Who have every right to be smug.

Unsurprisingly, the site's currently down for maintenance, inundated with traffic, no doubt.

Wish I'd been clever enough to take some screen shots.

Thankfully Metro UK did.

(Thanks to Annemarie for pointing this out).









I have a very old iPhone 3GS. I'm quite keen to replace it with an iPhone 5. I approached my service provider online. They have a chat system for immediate service. Here's the transcript of our conversation.


Thank you for choosing [mobile service provider]. Please wait for a site operator to respond.

Connected to [Operator's Name]

Me: Hi [Operator's Name]. I'm an existing [mobile service provider] customer with a very old iPhone and I'd like to upgrade to an iPhone 5 [1]

Me:  Hello?

Operator: Hi there, I'm an Online Sales Support rep.

Me: Cool.

Me: Where do we start?

Operator: Let me help you getting one.

Operator: Please provide me your mobile number.

Me: [number provided]

Operator: If I can have your full name, billing address and DOB, I can look into the account for you.

Me: [name provided]

Me: [address provided]

Me: [date of birth provided]

Operator: Thanks for providing the information.

Operator: I checked and found that you are eligible for free upgrade. [2]

Me: Excellent.

Me: What do I do?

Operator: You can upgrade for a new iPhone 5 with out paying any upgrade fee. [3]

Operator: Please let me know the plan you like along with the iPhone 5.

Me: Is there one similar to the plan I'm on? [4]

Operator: Let me check your current plan.

Me: I like the $80 per month because it includes 2GB of data.

Operator: I see that you are currently on a $59.00 plan. [5]

Operator: Not to consider data a concern.

Operator: I will offer you 1 GB free data every month.

Operator: How does this sound.

Me: That sounds great. Can I have that free data and remain on a $59 monthly plan? [6]

Operator: The $59.00 plan no longer exists.

Operator: We have $60.00 plan instead.

Me: That sounds good. So I'd effectively have 2.5GB of included Data?

Operator: Yes. I hope this saved you spend.

Me: I think it will. Thank you.

Operator: You are most welcome.

Me: What do I do next? Do you send a phone out to me?

Operator: Yes, the handset along with the SIM will be sent to your door step.

Operator: You will not be charged for delivery.

Me: Thank you very much.

Operator: You are most welcome.

Me: How do I ensure I don't lose data like phone calls and messages from my current phone?

Operator: Not to worry.

Operator: You will be receiving alerts based on your usage.

Operator: This will help you plan your data usage further.

Me: Thank you. I am referring to address book information and other information currently stored in my phone.

Operator: Yes, please.

Me: Is there an easy way to ensure none of that is lost?

Operator: Not to worry at all.

Me: Thank you.

Operator: I will be making a note in your account stating all the offers that was offered.

Me: One final question

Me: Am I eligible for the 8000 frequent flyer points bonus?

Operator: Please proceed.

Operator: Yes, you are eligible for 8000 QFF poins as well.

Me: I am very pleased indeed.

Operator: Thanks.

Me: You, sir, are most welcome.

Operator: Thanks for your appreciation.

Me: When may I expect the new handset to arrive?

Operator: The new Handset along with the suitable Nano SIM will be delivered in 3-5 business days.

Me: Thank you.

Operator: You are welcome.

Operator: Is all good to proceed to process the order?

Me: Yes please.

Operator: I would like to know your preferred colour of the handset and the storage as well.

Me: Black, please

Operator: Okay.

Me: Do you need anything else?

Operator: I would require your email and shipping address.

Me: [shipping address provided]

Me: [email address provided]

Operator: Thanks for providing the information.

Me: Thank you for being most helpful

Operator: You are welcome.

Operator: We would like to be helpful to our customers.

Operator: Do you wish to add on an Insurance to your handset?

Me: How much extra will it be?

Me: Per month, I mean

Operator: It will cost you $13.99/month.

Me: Yes, I will add insurance.

Operator: Thats an good idea.

Me: Is there anything else I should know?

Operator: It is almost done.

Operator: You will have to accept the Critical Information Summary.

Operator: The CIS outlines you the plan inclusions and pricing details.

Operator: This will appear next to your chat box.

Me: okay

Me: Waiting for it to appear

Operator: Please accept the CIS that is sent to you.

Me: I see the handset costs $11. How much would change (price etc) if I wanted a 32GB or 64GB phone?

Operator: If you go for 32 GB handset the fee will be $15.00/month.

Me: So when you say 'free upgrade', I'm still paying for the phone.

Me: Which part of this transaction is 'free'?

Operator: I meant to say that you are eligible for free upgrade.
That means you will be not paying any fee to upgrade the contract.

Me: My contract was for two years, and it ended.

Me: You're not actually giving me anything for free.

Operator: As few customers will not be eligible for free upgrade, they will have to pay the upgrade fee and proceed with the upgrade.

Me: The ones who are upgrading before their contract ended?

Operator: Yes, correct.

Me: I have to decline. You've not given me anything for free. You've not rewarded my loyalty at this time.

Me: You've been very polite about it though.

Operator: Let me offer you $100.00 credit.

Me: Let me offer you, I'm going to consider my other options with other service providers. Let me offer you, be honest up front. You almost had me.

Operator: I am sorry for any misunderstanding in this interaction.

Operator: I apologize if it is my mistake.

Me: I'm sorry I let you waste half an hour of my time.

Two days later my iPhone 3GS mysteriously died.

So who can tell me which company does the best deal on a 64GB iPhone 5?

I should be able to get one for free once the rumoured iPhone 5S finally appears, right?




 1: Note my use of the word 'upgrade' relating to my intention to procure an iPhone 5. At this stage, I'm happy to purchase one.

2: Oh joy! Did you hear that? I want to upgrade to an iPhone 5. My service provider tells me I can - for no charge! You know what I thought he meant. You thought the same thing initially, didn't you - unless you work for my service provider, or share my service provider and have been in my position.

3: It clearly sounds like I'm being offered a free iPhone 5.

4: I'm not actually on a plan; my last one expired. I'm still billed at the same rate, but I now own my own handset, and could take it to a new service provider and get on a cheaper plan. Or pay as I go. I've just been too lazy. And I figure, if I go back to this service provider, they may even reward my loyalty.

5: But I'm not really on a plan though.

6: Still not on a plan though.