Previous month:
July 2009
Next month:
September 2009

‘Hot tip’ for the environmentally conscious car buyer…


This is currently my favourite bus shelter poster advertisement. “What’s your favourite colour?” it asks, with a row of, let’s face it, wussy-coloured Nissan Micras depicted. The word ‘Micra’ is in aqua; the first Micra is that colour. The next is a kind of pink that I guess would be somewhere between mauve and what apparently is called ‘opera mauve’, followed by an even wussier shade that seems to be between grey and light mauve. Only the blue and red cars exist in strong colours. And what a shade of red. It’s lipstick red.

So what’s this ad actually communicating?

Is it saying, ‘our cars come in great colours to mix and match with your accessories; just like make-up’? Maybe it’s an attempt to make a pissy little car seem trendy.

But the pissy little car is a positive feature, in this modern, globally warming world in dire need of reduced carbon footprints. I assume they’re pissy little cars – the model name is ‘Micra’, after all. Like ‘Micro’, only more effeminate.

So is this a chick’s car? Is that why it’s being advertised as lipstick?

Well yes, that’s probably part of it. But look at the shade of lipstick: it’s a hot, provocative shade. As if to say, it might be a little car, it might be a sensible car, but it’s not a ‘girl-next-door’ car. It’s a ‘racy’ car; it’s a ‘saucy’ car; a ‘sexy’ car that ‘goes off like a firecracker’; a car that ‘bangs like a dunny door in a windstorm’. Or words to that effect.

But there’s another layer to this ad.

Sports cars have long been looked upon as phallic symbols, penis substitutes…. There’s always been that connection between ‘fast women and hot cars’. And there’s no mistaking the lipstick as a phallic symbol in this ad.

So what if you are an environmentally aware male driver, opting for a smaller car? Or a driver who can’t afford or can’t handle a bigger, stronger, environmentally inconsiderate car? This is what the ad is saying to you:

“There’s no need to feel totally emasculated by having a tiny dick-car. Your car is still phallic because it equals lipstick. So, even if you’re so clever that you can no longer kid yourself about the big dick-car’s damage to the earth, or that your car will get you laid, even if you won’t be burning much rubber (so to speak) this here micrapenis car will still get you the odd spot of… lip service….”

No, really.


  • My friend Cristina writes, “This is definitely a chick car – one of its major selling points is that it has a spare shoe compartment under the passenger seat…”. Since I don’t actually drive, I don’t know stuff like that exists. Instead, I get annoyed by stupid posters at bus stops.

No-asis? Better than Faux-asis…


I awoke to news that Oasis are almost definitely maybe splitting up. Again. I haven’t bought an album of theirs in ages, but for a time they were my favourite band. Although, to hear they may be calling it a day… or not… doesn’t upset me at all – even though I was a mad fan back in the day.

I remember anticipating each release – sneaking out of the office for an extended lunch break to pick up a newly arrived copy of (What’s The Story) Morning Glory? (on the same day, if I’m to be honest, as Blur’s The Great Escape – which came with a t-shirt!)… buying a second copy of …Morning Glory? a year later because, for whatever reason, Sony’s latest supply were Japanese picture disc pressings… blowing entire pay packets on boxed sets of singles… securing copies of my favourite mags with additional glee when the sparring brothers Gallagher were appearing on the cover again. 

Part of the attraction of Oasis was that they were clearly kids who liked the Beatles and who wanted to grow up to be rock stars, and then did. Beatles references abound in their music, and Noel Gallagher has said, “If you’re not in it to be bigger than the Beatles, it’s just a hobby”. Maybe I did only like them because they were the world’s most successful tribute band… the point at which their hobby intersects with my hobby.

I stopped listening pretty much after Be Here Now (which shares its title with a solo period George Harrison song, by the way – itself inspired, most likely, by a book about spirituality). I don’t know if I’ve even listened all the way through that album. I did like the collection of B-sides, The Masterplan. I persevered with the singles for a while longer – ‘Lyla’ was my last one – picking up the odd album secondhand or in those ten-dollar shops that sprang up, helped cripple retail stores, and then disappeared again when migration to downloading well and truly killed all but the strongest retailers.

So, yesterday (or a few hours ago? It’s Saturday morning in Australia as I write this, so it’s still Friday night in the UK…) their website carried an announcement from Noel Gallagher:

“It’s with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer.

“Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan.”

This contradicts his wife, former All Saints singer Natalie Appleton’s statement from the day before, insisting “Oasis will die before they split up”. That was no doubt damage control following rumours of a split, after the band cancelled their headline gig at V Festival Chelmsford the previous week due to Liam’s ‘illness’. “The rumours are absolute rubbish,” Appleton insisted. “Even in his sick bed, Liam was vowing to get back on stage.”

Liam had himself gone into damage control a couple of days earlier on the official Oasis website:

“The voice may of disappeared but I'm still here.1st things first V I’m gutted your gutted, I’m sorry what can I say f*ck all at the moment.

“Secondly, respect to those bands who covered Oasis last night, even though I might of given some of you shit in the past...

“Finally reports in smartarses column about Oasis last british gig ever. The kids talking out his arse, I mean rkids, bware of darkness. LG”

There can be no Oasis without that two-headed beast, the brothers united. Surely any attempt to carry on will result in Faux-asis. Although – with Noel’s departure comes a vacancy for a vocalist and guitarist. While Zak ‘son of Ringo’ Starkey recently vacated a drum seat, perhaps ‘not-quite-Beatles’ cred may be regained by recruiting Dhani ‘son of George’ Harrison in Noel’s place. Considering all the comings and goings of band members over the years, this is the opportunity to take the hobby tribute band one step closer…

Yet, whatever happens, I realise I’m not really going to miss Oasis. What I mourn most, now, is the passing of my cashed-up 20s, when I not only wanted to own every release and see every gig by every band I loved, but could actually afford the financial outlay to do so.

(The fantastic caricature is the work of Nick O’Sullivan – who, incidentally, is also responsible for the ‘Stand & Deliver!’ logo.)


“A Funny Thing Keeps Happening In Front Of Me…”


I had the pleasure chatting to Eddy Brimson early into his two-week run at the Comedy Store, and had put a truncated Q&A up on a page that now just directs traffic. Here’s the story in full.

“My father gave me two bits of advice,” Eddy Brimson informs me. “One: Don’t work for anybody else. And two: If a woman says ‘no’, she means ‘no’. However, if you’re both naked just tell her you’re an orphan and start crying. They’re the only two bits of advice he ever gave me and they’ve both stood me in very good stead over the years. The second one got me laid more times than I ever deserved to get laid.”

Hearing Papa Brimson’s advice in Eddy’s cockney accent – reminiscent of Michael Caine’s “work a fiddle; don’t be greedy” advice in Alfie – is making for an excellent afternoon of conversation, and I’m not in the least bit surprised. I was, somewhat, when I first met Eddy Brimson, having only just seen him live for the first time. Because onstage, bald pate and ‘do what you muppet I’ll cut ya’ cockney geezer accent, coupled with the publicity info that he is a ‘former football hooligan’, you can’t help considering him a bit of a Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels-type villain. Intelligent and uncompromising, Brimson is a loud, shouty, brash lad on stage. But he’s hilarious, even at his most shocking. Initially, you expect jokes to stand over you and demand laughter with menaces. Instead, laughter flows effortlessly because each story has you seeing the world through his eyes. But he’s less boisterous in real life if you meet him backstage after a performance, his eyes shining as a truly sweet, soft-spoken and sincere bloke shakes your hand with both of his. You can’t help but wonder how he was ever a football hooligan. “People always say the same thing,” Eddy confesses: “‘You’re a totally different person offstage to what you are onstage.’”

The “football stuff” was just “normal, angry young lad” behaviour from a long time ago, he insists. “I was a bit of an idiot, as most people are at that age. I’ve calmed down a lot since then. I’m a lot more soft spoken. I’m quite shy in a lot of ways.” Yeah. So. How was this man ever a football hooligan? Well, Eddy’s been lots of things: graphic designer, publicist for an anti-fox hunting collective, actor, television presenter, major suspect in a terrorism investigation. And with all that under his belt, it shouldn’t be a surprise that he’s also an author


Soccer to ’em

“I usually get very bored, so I ended up writing seven books – four with my brother, and then three on my own about following England abroad – not about the football, but about the fans, because any sports fan will tell you: it’s not just about the game, it’s about everything that goes on with it.” However, as good as being a sports fan can be – going to brilliant places, being in great situations, having great fun – Eddy still managed to burn himself out and need a change of career. “I’m one of these guys who can’t work for anybody else,” he says, in keeping with his father’s advice.

Growing up watching football from the late ’70s, Eddy was in the thick of it in the late ’70s and early ’80s when being into football in England was very different to what it is now. There was a lot of “trouble”, which he likens to the ‘mods versus rockers’ clashes of the early ’60s youth subcultures: “lads” needing to join gangs, flex muscles and discover manhood. “Young lads like to belong to something so it’s very easy to get drawn into that kind of thing. And when you’re a lad, it’s exciting.” But it got stupid when people started carrying knives. And then there were tragedies at Heysel (39 dead, over 600 injured after Liverpool supporters attacked Juventus supporters) and Hillsborough (96 dead, 766 injured from a human crush as too many fans tried to fit in too small a space).

“Hillsborough wasn’t to do with football violence, as such, but it kind of made people sit up and we felt at the time that something needed to be done, because they didn’t really understand the problem,” Eddy says. “There was a stereotypical image of what a football fan or a football hooligan was like and the reality of it was very different. I had my own business doing graphic design, and my brother, who was also involved in it, was a sergeant in the RAF. People who got involved in it weren’t just idiots.”

Eddy and brother Dougie not only learnt from their experiences of hooliganism, they wrote books about them. Their first effort, Everywhere We Go, “blew the lid on what football is really about in the UK,” outlining just how organised football violence was. They also suggested ways in which the violence could be brought to an end. “Most of the stuff we suggested has been implemented,” Eddy reports. “We had meetings with people high up and said what would have stopped us, and it worked.”

Eddy’s later solo efforts – books like Tear Gas And Ticket Touts and God Save The Team – were tour diaries of his following England abroad. “They’re funny, because following football is funny. That’s why blokes do it: to have a laugh.” Literary success led Eddy to the telly, with the documentary Teargas and Tantrums. “The media have their own agendas before they set out,” he insists, so he took the opportunity of 1998 World Cup final in France to tell the real story. It became a top-selling release and led to other TV-presenting gigs. By this stage, Eddy had also established himself as an actor, having played a Hare Krishna devotee in Alas Smith And Jones and a proper scary villain on EastEnders with sundry appearances in Absolutely Fabulous, The Thin Blue Line, Hale & Pace, The Bill and Silent Witness. Although he scoffs at the term ‘actor’. “I’ve only ever played three things: a thug, a gay guy or a Hare Krishna,” Eddy begins, anticipating my next foolish question: “Not all three at the same time!”

Eddy made a promise to himself early on: “As soon as someone says, ‘you’ve got a bald patch at the back,’ it’s coming off.” And so it did. It was the late ’80s and Eddy was 23 when he started shaving his head, “before Right Said Fred and all that malarky”. At that time, hardly anyone had a shaved head. So when Eddy, a martial arts enthusiast, started getting work as an extra, baldness and fitness set him up for thuggery, fight scenes and subsequent typecasting. But before the roles grew in significance to the point where he’d actually consider calling himself an actor, Eddy got bored with it, and with presenting. And then, he says, “stand-up comedy came around – by mistake.”


Gotta be joking

“I never in a million years thought I would be a stand-up comedian,” Eddy Brimson insists. “I’m not actually a genuinely funny guy.” I beg to differ, but I’m willing to hear him out. Brimson reckons when he told his mates he was gonna do stand-up, their response was, “Ed, you ain’t funny!” Even when he’d gotten good enough to invite his martial arts dojo to come watch, the response of the dojo master was, “I’ve seen Eddy before and he’s nothing like the person you see in here; he’s actually funny onstage”. Anyone who actually does it will tell you: being a stand-up comic is very different to being the funny guy down at the pub. Eddy Brimson knows this. But he’s not afraid of an audience – as a former musician (bass player with The Morgans, one of the many mid-’90s English indie ‘bands most likely to’) he’d had a lot of stage experience. And Eddy’s dad was a folk-singer who kept company with the likes of Jasper Carrott and Billy Connolly, so Eddy had been able to pick up the finer points of telling a good story and imbuing between-song patter with gags. Still, he insists, he’s not a naturally funny guy. “I’ve got some very, very funny mates. When we’re in the pub, they’re the ones telling the stories. I’m listening.” And yet, a situation arose that get him interested enough to consider it: “Caroline, a friend of mine, had a leaflet she picked up at a local arts centre for a comedy course. One day in the pub, she said, ‘Oh, you think you’re funny!’ and gave it to me as a joke. And I thought, ‘I’ll take that!’ and slipped it into my back pocket, and managed to get onto that course.”

The comedy course, taught by a ‘resting’ stand-up, essentially demonstrated a process and discipline to create humour out of everyday life. “It taught me to sit down and start scripting comedy, to get the most out of the situation – which is why I like to do stories rather than ‘gag, gag, gag’.” Lesson one was “write down ten topics that you find funny, whatever they are – farting, old people, kids – and then just write down why they’re funny.” Lesson two was “now stand up in front of the other ten people in the class and tell them.” That was the turning point: “actually being up there”. That’s how stand-up comedy is essentially different to “being funny with your mates in the pub”: being able to make strangers laugh. “When they’re not your mates, they might not get it”.

At the end of the course, the class performed before an audience of family and friends. “We all did a five-minute slot and it went really well. All of a sudden I’m the new King of Comedy: go out and do some more gigs.” Many who’ve actually done it will tell you – if they’re honest – the first gig is usually successful. You get through on fear and adrenalin. The audience, reminded by the MC that it’s the comic’s ‘first time’, go easy on you. You cane it, and you’re over the moon. Quite possibly, you convince yourself it’s a doddle and you relax before your next gig. Which is when you’re brought back down to earth. That’s certainly how it happened for Eddy. “Second gig, in a little pub in Islington in London, audience of eight people, four of them with their back to you, not caring at all. I totally died in the arse.”

The pretenders give up at this point. Not Eddy. He was adamant that he had to prove to himself that he could make people he didn’t know laugh. And he did. “And then once it gets hold of you, that’s it. You’ve had it.”

(In)famous for 15 minutes

By “You’ve had it,” I assume Eddy means he’s utterly addicted to the ‘high’ of having an audience  laugh at things you’re saying to them. It’s pretty addictive. But no, that’s not the case for Eddy. “This is quite a weird one for me,” he confesses, “because I don’t think I see it in the same way as most people. It’s a fantastic feeling, but for me it’s more a relief feeling that I’ve done what these people have paid to come and see. Don’t get me wrong – it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I was driving around this morning, thinking, ‘This is mental: I’m on the other side of the world talking to people and I’m getting paid.’ This is how I earn my living. I still don’t understand how that actually works.”

I reckon it’s from the years of football hooliganism – the ‘rush’ of surging energy of crowds united with a common mindset – that diminishes the buzz of live performance. And perhaps the addictive aspect of performing, for Eddy, is more like the addictive aspect of, say, carnival rides like the rollercoaster: it is truly scary, and what people who ‘enjoy’ those rides actually ‘enjoy’ is the cessation of fear. They are addicted to having survived it. Because Eddy admits to having nerves before every performance: “I pace up and down and, without being too crass about it, go to the toilet quite a bit before a gig. It really scares me!” But he won’t relax during a performance, even if, he says, he knows he’s “got the crowd by the nuts”. Instead, he’s every vigilant because the gig “could go tits-up at any moment”. It’s only after he’s come off stage that he can heave a sigh of relief, relax, and have a drink.

However, no matter how nervous beforehand, no matter how horrible the gig during, Eddy Brimson will deliver. He proved this not just to himself by enduring the most horrible gig he’s ever had, at the most significant point of his career. It was in front of 360 people at a big club in England. The MC had just announced him. He came on stage. “I hadn’t even got to the mic and someone shouted out, ‘You’re gonna be shit!’” Somehow, the entire audience like the sound of this and managed to reach consensus in next to no time at all joining in with the chant. “I hadn’t even started,” Eddy says, “and I had to stay up there for 15 minutes cos I thought, ‘I can’t walk off; I’ll never get a gig with that promoter’.” After he’d finished his set, Eddy walked straight out the door.

The gig was for one of the Jongleurs venues – Jongleurs being a chain of comedy clubs that still thrives in Britain. At the time, they were also a management company. So of course there were Very Important People in the audience. And Eddy wanted to impress them. Instead he clung tenaciously while an audience hated him for a quarter of an hour that seemed to last an eternity. “That’s a big kick in the nuts for the career before it’s even started,” Eddy says. “I thought, ‘I’m never gonna work for them again, ever’.” Two weeks later, they called him into a meeting and said, “we’ve seen you; we know you’ve got potential and jokes, but if you can stay up for 15 minutes in front of that, then you’ve got the balls to go with it. We’d like to manage you.”

“That was it,” Eddy smiles. “Career take-off.”

BWHead 1

Shock of the nude

The Jongleurs gig might have been the most horrible, but it wasn’t the scariest gig Eddy’s ever faced. Surprisingly – given the man’s pre-performance nerves – Eddy’s most challenging gig, instigated by a group from Boston at the 2007 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, was a performance undertaken “stark bollock naked,” according to Brimson. Eddy was in Edinburgh doing his own show, but this mob were inviting different performers to take part in their showcase-type revue. “They were struggling to get people to do it, for obvious reasons.” That Eddy was willing to bare all before a Guilded Balloon audience of 260 people “surprised an awful lot of people”, but his thinking was, “if I can do this, I can do anything”.

So how did it turn out? “None of them were naked,” Eddy says, a little disappointed to discover the female performers not only wore clown wigs, they also hid their nipples behind boas (perhaps this prevented him from being able to cry and declare himself an orphan?) What was more likely to reduce him to tears was the realisation that he’d be the only performer actually 100 percent totally nude. Still, he got through his ten-minute set, somehow, even if it remains “the most surreal experience I ever had in my life.” Not least of all because the 260-seater venue contained an audience of merely six. With only a couple of them laughing

“One bloke was quite obviously a pervert,” Eddie recalls. “This old boy, must have been about 65 years old, cravat and smoking jacket, with his legs crossed, sitting all on his own at the front. The first thing I said to him was, ‘Mate, there is no one within eight rows of you. Did you know people were going to be naked?’ He looked right back at me and said, ‘Oh yes!’ A proper perve! He’d just come to have a look. Fair play to him!”

Not everyone was as keen as the 65-year-old perv in the smoking jacket and cravat, though. Eddy’s wife, back in London, for example, did not take the news well. “When she realised I was serious, she really was not happy. But she was so far away that there was nothing she could do about it.” Apart from his missus, Eddy only told the people he was sharing a house with that he was taking the gig. Other people were disappointed when they found out, saying, “Why didn’t you tell us you were doing it? We would have come! We thought nobody was going to do that gig, otherwise we would have been there.” Eddy’s response? “That’s exactly why I didn’t bloody tell you! I didn’t want you lot coming around, seeing what I ain’t got!” But he’s glad he did it. “It’s one of those things. It’s a life experience, isn’t it!”

Despite the experience, and the 15 minutes of Jongleurs hell, there are, surprisingly, still aspects of performance that faze Eddy Brimson. He’s not so keen on getting heckled, for example. It doesn’t happen often, though – probably given Eddy’s physique, demeanour, subject matter and manner. But when it does get rowdy, he’s got an amazingly effective though very unorthodox ‘comeback’: “I usually go, ‘Shhhh – let’s all be quiet, then we can listen and get on with it’.” It works very well, Brimson insists: “It’s the best heckle put-down I’ve ever heard because all of a sudden everyone goes, ‘Oh, okay, what have you got to say, mate?’”

The reason it works, the reason Eddy doesn’t get heckled, is because Eddy is in control, and he lets the audience know that. That don’t necessarily consciously realise this – but the fact that potential discomfort is dispelled leaves them able to continue enjoying the show rather than interrupting it or ignoring it. Here’s an example: the first night I see Eddy Brimson, he opens with a simple statement. “I’m a rude comic,” he says. “We’re all adults, you don’t mind a bit of rude stuff.” This is to prepare a cold or unfamiliar audience for a hard-hitting joke that may well be a little hard to take early on. “Then if they go, ‘oooh!’ the get-out is very simple: ‘You said you didn’t mind rude stuff!’ And everyone will laugh, because it takes the blame off me. All of a sudden, the doors open and you’re in. It sets the tone and at the same time says, ‘this is a comedy club; these are jokes; let’s not take it too seriously. But you’ve let me in, so here we go.’ You’re away because everyone’s comfortable.”

Given all of that, how can anything ever go wrong on stage? This is comedy. There’s always something. “You know what it’s like,” Eddy concurs. “Every comic will tell you this: you can make 260 people laugh, but if there’s one sour-faced bastard sitting in the corner you’ll come off stage and say, ‘Did you see that geezer who wasn’t laughing…?’ Forget about the other 259. ‘Did you see that geezer…? Cheeky sod!’ And that’s the one you walk away thinking about. Forget the rest. We must all be depressives; there must be something wrong with us to do this.”

Just kidding?

There wasn’t anything wrong the night I saw Brimson. And if there was one geezer not laughing in the Comedy Store that night, I didn’t spot him. Eddy took the stage confidently, asked us if we could handle his rudeness, did the gag, shocked us, pointed out that he’d warned us, made us laugh, won us over and took us on that journey, sharing his disdain for kids and the way they ruin parents’ lives, regretting you can no longer punch them – yours or someone else’s. A later routine had him jumping out of the bushes in a gimp mask in order to scare kids – his re-enactment involving him striking a pose somewhere between Steven Berkoff’s impersonation of a skinhead and Berkoff’s impersonation of a skinhead’s Rottweiler. Later still, he confessed his own shock, surprise and disappointment about having to come to terms with aging because – although you won’t believe it to look at him – he reckons he’s now 45 years old and feeling every year of it.

They’re great jokes. Hilarious. The funny thing is, there is so much truth to them. Hard to believe, but Eddy really is 45. The story of him leaping out of the bushes in a gimp mask to frighten the kids, is also true. What he exaggerates, to a degree, is how much he dislikes kids. He doesn’t hate them. He just doesn’t want any.

“I’m genuinely happily married. I’ve been married for 13 years now and my wife and I have always been in a position that we’ve never wanted kids. But I get on really well with kids: I come from a big family and all that. It’s just a decision we’ve taken, and we get a lot of pressure about it, because we’re happy together and well set-up.”

The routine about hating kids came as a reaction to comics who have kids and end up doing material about it. “I thought, ‘no, hang on, let’s have a go at this from the other angle’,” Eddy explains of his material about not having kids. “The weird thing is the amount of parents that get it. It’s not an anti-kid thing, it’s an anti-parenthood thing. So many parents come up to me at the end of gigs and say, ‘that stuff’s spot-on; you must have kids to know that stuff’, and it’s like, ‘no, I just observe how bad your life can be at times’. That’s where that all comes from.”

Kids “wind up” Eddy “something rotten” – but it’s mostly down to “bad parenting”, he reckons. “I see so much of it around. It’s there in front of you and it’s what a lot of people are thinking. Even parents think about it. Of course you can’t punch kids, but even parents get annoyed at other people’s kids.” Eddy liken kids to farts – “your own ones are great” – but he actually gets on fine with them. “People think if you haven’t got kids you can’t have a relationship with children When my goddaughter tells me she loves me, my heart strings go. But ten minutes later, if she starts playing up with her mum, I can just go, ‘You know what, Anita? I’m gonna shoot down to the pub, have a beer and leave you to it!’”

CFL cuffs 1

Telling it how he sees it

Of course Eddy has an entire show about “the joys of not having children”. It’s called Kids! I Couldn’t Eat A Whole One and he hopes to tour it in Australia next year. But there's more: Kids!… was a recent London show. Back in 2005 his debut Edinburgh Fringe show was called Up the Anti, and would also like to bring that show to Australia.

“It’s about a true thing that happened to me – I was raided by the police at home once, because I was very politically active. It’s about MI-5, being under surveillance for over a year, and all the stuff that went on behind that. I was actually arrested on suspicion of terrorism. That was the charge. Obviously, I didn’t do it…”

I have a theory as to why Eddy Brimson was under suspicion: with bushier eyebrows, he’d be a dead ringer for ‘The Hood’ – the bald villain that features in so many episodes of The Thunderbirds.

“Could be,” Eddy says. “I’m certainly not an Osama Bin Laden look-alike.”

While the’re the two shows he’d most like to tour, it still is only the tip of iceberg, according to Eddy, who has “a lot more stories to tell”. That, he says, is why he’s a storytelling comic rather than I think that’s why I’m a storyteller rather than “a gag-merchant”: because “a lot of stuff happened”. Clearly, Eddy always has been a teller of funny stories – from his books about his life as a football hooligan, to the stand-up comedy about his life. As far as he’s concerned, his material is forever revealing itself to him. “It’s all happening in front of you. If you open your eyes, all of a sudden you see it.”


OMG, like, random LOLz

I met the comic Tom Ward briefly, years ago, while sharing a flat with his mate, another up-and-coming comic at the time, called Josh Thomas. It was during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and they were two wide-eyed young comedians on the make, all of – I don’t know – about 18 years old, give or take. They were as keen about comedy as I was at their age, only, there was no internet or Raw Comedy or podcasts or anything other than television, videos and libraries requiring dedicated diligence and perseverance in order to make the most of them, when I was 18. It was harder to ‘know about’ a lot of stuff, is all I’m saying. Still, I was impressed that Tom knew about an old film I’d just purchased on DVD. I’d picked up a cheap copy of Tommy Cooper’s The Plank.

“You’ve heard of this?” I marvelled.

“Yeah,” Tom said. “My grandad told me about it”.

I was, at best, only twice their age. I may have had friends with kids nearly as old as them. But being compared to the grandad made me feel even older. Yet both kids clearly did know about comedy. And still do.

Turns out that Tom has made a lovely little filmed item called Subtitles for the hearing impaired… if written by a 14-year-old girl that’s received an airing in Josh’s current show, The Josh Thomas Variety Hour. Made me laugh.

Maybe in 30 years time someone who was born five years ago will show it to someone who won’t be conceived for another 15, only to be compared to that kid’s grandad.

ADDENDA – ‘Ain’t Nothin’ New Under The Sun’ Department

RonnJohnChopper points out a similar sketch got a run on The Ronnie Johns Half Hour some three years ago.

I doubt the idea was ‘pinched’ – rather, it’s a good idea that some people had independently of each other. Punxie Poison has also pointed me towards this version – some English political ‘satire’.

These are not my twisted words


It’s been on-line for a few days and, as all memes do, has reproduced itself all over the place: a new Radiohead song, apparently. Leaked. On YouTube. Not a film clip – just a still accompanying the music. But there are a multitude of stills accompanying the same soundfile, entitled ‘These Are My Twisted Words’, all over the internet now.

I’ve chosen to share the one posted by ‘Jonnyswhore’ because I quite like the still [s]he’s provided. I’d like to think it’s from the sessions for ‘Harry Patch (In Memory Of)’ – Radiohead’s most recent official release, in honour of the last known surviving British soldier to have fought in World War I.

I don’t quite know what to make of this newest, leaked song. The first few seconds sound like a different song entirely – different drum beat, different music – until a disco beat – not unlike John Paul Young’s ‘Love Is In The Air’ – barges in over the top. (Okay, what’s happening is the drummer is ‘counting the band in’ just after the tape’s started rolling, guitars already strummed – maybe with a bit of whammy bar action; that’s what it sounds like. The [programmed?] disco beat was probably added later.)

The opening lead guitar motif sounds reminiscent of The Piper At The Gates Of Dawn-era Floyd; the falling melody as well as the tone of the guitar suggest ‘Astronomy Domine’ to me.

At about 2 minutes 13 seconds in, the bass line is suddenly Frank Zappa’s ‘Ya Hozna’ from Them Or Us. About midway through the track, just when you want to start singing ‘National Anthem’ from Kid A over the top, the lyrics kick in. By this time, the drums don’t sound so obtrusive.

‘These Are My Twisted Words’ apparently first appeared as an MP3 file, embedded with the following info (courtesy of ateaseweb – I’m not sure if that’s ‘at ease web’ or ‘a tease web’ – via stereogum):

iiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiii radiohead - these are my twisted words iiiiiii
iiiiiii iiiiiii
iiii artist.......radiohead iiii
iiii title........these are my twisted words iiii
iiii label........?????????? iiii
iiii iiii
iiii style........'dificult' iiii
iiii nr of tracks.1 iiii
iiii total length..5.32 iiii
iiii audio source.CD Advance iiii
iiii encoder......LAME 3.93 iiii
iiii quality......320kbps/44.1kHz/Joint Stereo iiii
iiii size.........12,70 MB iiii
iiii[GG]er iiii
iiii iiii
iiii i just wanted to reassure readers iiii
iiii that following representations iiii
iiii seeking confirmation iiii
iiii that before your very eyes iiii
iiii behind the wall of ice iiii
iiii that the box is not under threat iiii
iiii however they are set to remove iiii
iiii other boxes iiii
iiii in fact i have the list in front of me iiii
iiii i went to a briefing on their plans iiii
iiii and challenged them to tell me iiii
iiiii exactly what the cost would be iiiiiii
iiiiii iiiiiiii
iiiiiii they spoke in broad terms iiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiii we're looking for: talented puppeteers iiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiii worms, disgruntled executives, sacked flies iiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiii genres: doomcore, folktronica, ukf iiiiiiii

I hope it leads to a new album. I also hope this is a work-in-progress, that the finished version is different to this, making this one special. That’s if it’s authentic. I think it is: despite all the things the different bits remind me of, together they make a song that sounds like bona fide Radiohead to me. Judge for yourself.

Thanks to John Brannan and Kip Williams

Into the Woods


“We did about ten shows and all the shows were great – standing ovations and good stuff like that. But at one of the shows, there was a person there who didn’t like my show, and they complained to the comedy club in London and they fired me for the next two weeks.”

What? How does that work?

“Exactly. That’s what I said. ‘How does that work?’ Someone in Dubai saw me, didn’t like my show – even though after the show I was signin’ autographs and taking pictures with the punters – she called London and these people just fired me, no questions asked. They didn’t say, ‘Hey, did you do this, did you do that?’ Nothin’! I was like, ‘Oh, wow. Welcome to America. Wait – I’m not in America!’”
I’m talking to Tony Woods long distance from the United States. He’s a comedian I’ve never met, nor seen live, but I know he’s good because when he was in Australia for the Cracker Comedy Festival earlier this year – appearing both in the Gala and on Good News Week – there was a buzz among other comics. There are clips, just in case you didn’t see him either and didn’t have other comics talking him up to you.

Tony’s in the middle of telling me a story about a Dubai gig that got him sacked, and I’m annoyed on his behalf. Firstly, the whole point of comedy is that the comedian tells ‘jokes’ – that is, they are effectively ‘pretend’ or ‘make-believe’ compared to ‘facts’ or ‘news’ or ‘reality’. Secondly, comedy is the one place where you are supposed to be allowed to explore taboo topics – to say things in jest that you could never have enough courage or insensitivity or permission to say in all seriousness.

“Well, first of all,” Tony insists, “I didn’t say what she accused me of saying, anyway. So… oh well.”

We’re still talking hypothetically, to a degree. Tony hasn’t divulged what he was accused of saying. I’m not gonna ask him. It shouldn’t matter. Comedy should be one place where you’re able to ‘push the envelope’ if you want to – and Tony reckons he wasn’t even doing that.

“Didn’t even push ’em. I don’t know what the hell she heard. She was drinkin’. Or somethin’. I don’t know. Oh well. She ruined my summer vacation. I was supposed to go to The Bahamas for a vacation, me ’n’ my family, but with two weeks of work fallin’ out of the pocket like that, you can’t just up and go on a vacation. So I don’t really wish the best for her at all.”

Well you wouldn’t, would you. No, if you were a comic in Tony’s position, the best outcome would be to enable everyone to laugh at this turn of events by turning this story into a comedy routine.

“Yeah,” Tony says. “I will. Heh, heh, heh, heh.”

Ah, the Tony Woods laugh. I love that laugh. People claim Keith Richards, of the Rolling Stones, has the dirtiest laugh since Sid James. Tony’s laugh is different to that: it is cool and conspiratorial. It has probably gotten Tony into as much trouble as it has gotten him out of. No doubt it’s gotten him laid.

You can hear the laugh on that YouTube clip where Paul McDermott grills Tony on the Good News Week couch. (‘Couch Potato, the interrogation game of comfort and joy’.) Although one question that doesn’t immediately elicit the laugh is when McDermott asks Woods why he applied for Dental School. “How’d you know that?” Tony says, taken aback. Eventually he replies “Man, I was 18; I just wanted… girls.”

When I ask him, Woods explains that he gained his first experience as “what they call a ‘dental technician/dental assistant’” in the navy. After advancing to ‘surgical assistant’ he decided he might actually pursue dentistry as a career. “But then,” he says, adopting a conspiratorial whisper, “I started doing comedy…”.

There’s a pause. Followed by the signature laugh.

“Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh… you know…”. 

It’s a low sound that emanates from deep within, detached and yet cheeky. It’s the sort of laugh that implies a shared knowledge we both know better than dare admit out loud. Although, in this instance, all I really ‘know’ is that things don’t always go to plan. The full story of how and why comedy usurped dentistry is something only Tony knows – but the encouragement to draw my own conclusion coupled with that laugh makes me want to assume the worst, something unspeakably shameful. That’s what that laugh does. On stage, the laugh causes the audience similarly to reach unspeakable conclusions, enabling the material to become as funny as our own imaginations allow. It means that Tony can create ‘off-colour’ material without actually delivering it. Audiences titillate themselves at his prompting.

I bet that’s what happened in Dubai: Tony didn’t say whatever the woman claimed he said. He left it open to interpretation, and then delivered that laugh. It must have made her feel funny and think dirty, in a manner she’d probably not had the pleasure of for some time. Good comedy can do that to you.

But I’m more intent on pinning the comic down than drawing my own conclusions – unspeakable or otherwise – so I press on. Was there a master-plan to ultimately ditch vocational studies for comedy, or did it happen accidentally? According to Woods, it was “very accidental”:

“I just happened to fall into it, man.” Tony’s buddies insisted he was funny, that he should “try out” as a comic. “I went touring on those ‘open mic’ deals,” he explains, “and… BANG! There you go! Ever since then, there’s no turning back.”

In addition to being able to leave the audience to do some of the work for themselves, Tony’s style involves turning real experiences into material by re-telling it in a ‘bewildered’ manner. Rather than a smug, arrogant or angry comic, Tony Woods is surprised. It’s as though events are still taking him by surprise in the re-telling. According to Tony, that's his style: “Last to know”:

“Even though I’m telling the story, it’s still taking me by surprise. I’m the last to know.”

The beauty of it is that it renders all of Tony’s material ‘universal’. He’s experiencing Australia for the first time and he’s telling us, more-or-less, as it happens to him::

“There’s freaky stuff happening. There’s a lot of animals…. I mean like, animals that I never…”

At this point, you suppose it’s gonna be every visiting comic’s monologue about Australia’s deadly fauna: spiders, snakes, sea creatures…. But no.

There was this dog on the couch, and I said to my Australian friend, ‘I ain’t never seen a dog like that. What kind of do is that?’

And he said, ‘It's a wombat, mate!’

I said, ‘yeah, I wanna dog like that’.

He said, ‘Nah, it’s a marsupial’.

‘What the f*ck does that mean?’

‘He got a pocket.’

And I’m thinking, ‘What the f*ck do all the animals in Australia need with a f*cken pocket? They ain’t carryin’ no wallet or nothin’ like that. What the f*ck you doin’ with a pocket, man?’

© Tony Woods

Funny to watch him tell it, bewildered, to Australian audiences – but it’s no doubt just as funny when he tells it, bewildered, to the folk back home. Or to any other audiences he plays to around the world. Tony Woods has been standing-up on the world stage for – well, at least a decade. There are clips on YouTube from Holland that are ten years old. Tony can’t quite remember when he made the transition from open mic-er to world class comic. “I just kind of adapt to my surroundings and make it happen,” is how he explains it. “It’s a shame that it seems I can get more work overseas than I can in America.”

That is a shame, but so is having people fail to ‘get it’ as far afield as Dubai. Although the Dubai experience doesn’t necessarily rate as Tony’s worst on the road. He explains that because of his “very laid-back” on-stage demeanour, early on, audiences would assume he was a stoner. “Now everyone claims to smoke pot,” he observes. “I wasn’t smokin’ pot. I just had a very daydreamy style, so it looked as though I was stoned on stage.” Although, it turns out, this was one of Ms Disappointed of Dubai’s grievances: “She says that I was drunk, that I was stoned. But she didn’t know what she was talkin’ about.”

If I wasn’t so comedy-savvy, I’d have my suspicions, as I tell Tony: he does have a lot of material about… But  I have to correct myself before I finish saying “getting stoned’. By ‘a lot’, what I actually mean is, of the few clips of his work I have seen on-line, one’s about going to Jamaica; another one recorded in Holland talks about… but Woods interrupts me.

“What it is,” he explains, “is a covert way of tellin’ people to not do drugs; showin’ people the misadventures and misfortunes you can have when you do that.”

The example I’ll go with at this point is Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson, whose written work is riddled with drug references. If he was a medicated as he claims to be, on the substances he claims to have ingested, I doubt he’d have had the time to have written as much as he did. I don’t know many people who spend their entire waking lives stoned who have the memory or the motivation – let alone the talent – to turn their experiences into a career of stand-up comedy.

“Exactly!” Tony agrees. “You should call that woman and tell her that!”

Given that Woods is based in Washington, DC when he is in fact in the US, I would have expected a bit of a political bent to his work. But there doesn’t seem to be any.

“No, there’s not,” he confirms. “Not at all.” The political comics, Woods explains, are “the people who move to DC”, not the ones that live there. “It’s like the people who live in Los Angeles aren’t into show business,” he continues. “It’s the people who move to Los Angeles. They’re into show business.” As ever: the converts are the zealots. The life-long believers just go about their business as they always have.

Speaking of material and show business, there’s a great routine of which I’m very fond – Tony’s re-telling of the Little Red Riding Hood and Three Little Pigs fairy tales.

“That’s older stuff,” he says. “It’s about my introduction to kindergarten. I’d been at home watching soap operas and then I get there and they’d give me happy, sweet stories. I go, ‘no, there’s gotta be a covert mission behind these’.”

Little Red Riding Hood is a horrifying story. It is. It’s supposed to be like a kid’s story but you think about it.

First, Little Red Riding Hood: she’s like a trick, cos she wears little hot pants and stuff. You know, a big push-up bra and a little hood like a superhero stripper or something.

Remember, she’s skippin’ through the woods, teasing all the woodsmen: “Hi, woodsmen…”.

And they’re like, “Wassup, bitch?”

Okay, she didn’t hear them say that, but I want women here to know, that’s what men are always sayin’ to you when you talk to them from a distance.

© Tony Woods

What I love about these stories is that you could build a cute animation around the pre-existing routine. Perfect for vodcasting, or as a DVD extra or for… whatever, really. Woods likes the idea. “You should be my agent, man, so you can come to Los Angeles and tell these people.”

The way Tony sees it, “if you’re not doing the same thing that everyone else is doing, they don’t want to try it. Everyone says, ‘why don’t you do something like…’. I don’t want to do anything like that person did or this person did. If you think about it, in Hollywood, the film genres stay the same until one person – and it has to be someone of notoriety – goes the different way. Then they all go that way. Like, now it’s all superheroes, you know?”

Hmm. Sounds like Woods has beaten his head against a showbiz brick wall. While general trends are evident in comedy, there are least as many ways to approach the same topic as there are original comedians. But what has Woods got his eye on – television or film?

“I want to do film. I’m still trying to be an action hero but I think I’m getting old.”

Maybe. But in the meantime, make the Little Red Riding Hood animation about the superhero stripper, I reckon. That sort of thing shouldn’t be too far away from Tony’s own current interests, really. He already has his own DVD to flog after shows. “It’s an hour of different television clips of my television appearances from all around the world,” he says.

The important question is, do they include clips that we can’t sort of stumble upon for free on YouTube?

“Yes,” Tony says. “It’s un-stumble-upon-able.”

Nice. I think we’re done. I thank Tony for his time.

“No problem,” he says.

I tell him I’m looking forward to seeing him live.

“Okey-dokey,” he says.

Which makes me wanna ask one last question. I’m wondering if ‘okey-dokey’ is something he picked up on his last visit here. “Do you say ‘okey-dokey’ in your country?” I ask.

“Not everybody,” Tony reports. “I say it. It’s just one of those things. Maybe I say it from my travels, I don’t know. People say it.”

Hmm. Awkward. Let me explain. There’s one bit of routine – from the 2009 Cracker Comedy Festival Gala – where Tony imitates the Aussie accent and some of the words typical to our usage of English that aren’t in as common usage in the United States – like ‘indigenous’, ‘marsupial’ and ‘pouch’. As he continues into a an anecdote, as part of the routine, the word ‘motherf*cker’ come up a fair bit.

“Some of your material is about communicating those differences, in culture,” I offer, “and translating words. Like you say, ‘“motherf*cker” means “bloke” to me’.”

“Yeah. Heh, heh, heh, yeah,” Tony Woods says, laughing again. “It just means ‘bloke’.”

“I like that,” I offer. “Mate, you’re a good bloke!”

“Awright,” Tony says. “And you’re a good motherf*cker yourself!”

And this time, we both laugh.

“Heh, heh, heh, heh.”

Tony Woods is playing the Sydney Comedy Store until Aug 15.


Tony Woods on 2009 Cracker Comedy Festival Gala

Tony Woods on the Good News Week couch.

Tony Woods on Jamaica on Def  Comedy Jam

Tony Woods’s version of Little Red Riding Hood

Free Macca Track
(and Ringo’s Snack Attack)

For a limited time, if you really want it, you can download a free MP3 file of the song ‘Great Day’ from the Paul McCartney album Flaming Pie, now scoring the title sequence of the new Adam Sandler film Funny People. All it’ll cost you is being added to a Paul McCartney mailing list.

Okay, maybe you think a free Paul McCartney song isn’t the coolest thing to have, or to admit to having (you’re not quite wrong; it’s not the coolest thing, but it’s certainly not the most uncool – although you’re welcome to think that if you must). And perhaps being on the receiving end of regular Paul McCartney info updates is too big a price to pay to have it. But rest assured, the most uncool Beatles-related thing is not a Paul McCartney song. Not even – as so many people seem to want to cite as evidence for the prosecution – the one about Rupert Bear (‘We All Stand Together’). Nor the other one about Rupert Bear (T’ropic Island Hum’)!

No, the most uncool Beatles-related thing is this ad that Ringo Starr did for Pizza Hut.

“Peace and love! Peace and love!” you reckon, Ringo? More like “Love a piece! Love a piece!” And as for the ‘wrong lads’ – kinda cute. But the Monkles are no Whotles.

World’s Funniest Island

Island promo

While a multitude of comics are tense with the opening of the 2009 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, it’s worth noting that Sydney’s just scored itself another comedy festival.

I know what you’re thinking, as you tick them off –  those Sydney Comedy Festivals of 1998 and 1999,  the Cracker Comedy Festival, the Sydney Comedy Festival that was really just Cracker under a different name, the Big Laugh Festival  that  used to run parallel to  Cracker once  Cracker was up-and-running… not to mention attempts at Sydney Fringe festivals, Bondi festivals, cabaret festivals, all giving a home to comedy… as well as festivals established or in development for the Central Coast and Bowral – pretty soon there’ll be enough for each and every comedian in New South Wales to have his or her very own festival.

Indeed, the Prime Minister got wind of it and has threatened to take comedy festivals over from the state governments, in order to ensure each adheres to a national standard of comedy. Here’s his National Address on Comedy:

Of course, in this instance, the role of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has been played by comedian Anthony Ackroyd. It’s a little eerie how much he looks, having donned KRudd hair, like the bastard offspring of Graham Kennedy and Charles Firth. Kind of fitting that the Prime Minister is a cross between those two, I guess.

All righty, the important question is, what sets this new Sydney Comedy Festival apart from all the others?

For starters, World’s Funniest Island boasts “one ticket, two big days, 18 venues, 200 shows” because it is built on the rock festival template. That is to say, it’s built on a carnival template. With good reason: one of the people behind it is John Pinder, who has a long history in comedy and a great love of circus.

When Pinder was first pointed out to me at a taping of a comedy show, for which he was executive producer, he was described as ‘the Godfather of Australian Comedy’, a description he has forbidden me to use since it fails to acknowledge any of the people who broke comedy ground in this country before him. When I’d finally met him, Pinder was Director of the Big Laugh Festival. I wrote an article about him at the time. I present it here with a portrait of him, painted by Bill Leak.


Comedy Pinderview

John Pinder has been involved in comedy, as well as music and theatre, pretty much throughout his life. In addition to managing acts, owning venues and touring talent, he has had a hand in the founding of such important institutions as the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and the Comedy Channel. Sounds like he’s just the man to be launching a new comedy festival.

“Comedy’s a bit like pop,” Pinder explains. “If pop didn’t re-invent itself, nobody would ever write another good four-chord pop song. It’s the same with comedy. It becomes very easy after a long time to say, ‘I’ve heard that before’. You have to bite your tongue because it’s important that people actually do explore and experiment.” In addition to not wanting to over-analyse what should remain in and of its moment, John Pinder is loathe to talk about comedy because, he says, “comedy ought to be funny” and as far as he is concerned, he is not. He also eschews memorabilia. “There’s no point in keeping it; somebody has to re-invent it all again and if you collect all that shit they’ll look at it and go, ‘it’s been done it before’.” And yet, get him started, and he is a wealth of humorous anecdotes, a store of imaginative memorabilia housed in his own museum of recollection.

One of John’s tricks is to date you by the kind of comedy you first started listening to. If your first love is Monty Python’s Flying Circus, you’re in your mid- to late-30s; if it’s The Goodies you’re about 40 to 45. The Goon Show means you’re old enough to lie about your age if you don’t want to confess to being in your late-50s. “You get your comedy chops about the same age as you first start listening to music,” John explains. The Goon Show began when he was just hitting puberty. For a kid whose family didn’t have a television, hearing The Goons on radio was very ‘rock’n’roll’. “My father liked funny shit on the radio and we listened to it as a family because at seven o’clock on Sunday night we used to turn the radio on like people turn on the television. The Goon Show came along and my parents hated it.” Which succeeded in making John like it all the more – just like rock’n’roll!

Of course, John’s anecdotes and knowledge betray a much broader love of comedy. For starters, his favourite act at the recent Adelaide Fringe was, essentially, a juggler. “I’m really tired of people who say, ‘not another fucking juggler’. There’s something really astonishing about someone who hasn’t even opened his mouth and you’re wetting yourself laughing.” All the great stand-up comics, he points out, incorporate some sort of physicality in their mode of performance. A lot more “would benefit” from being able to mime or juggle. And, logically, “a lot of jugglers would benefit from having some jokes.” Pinder’s love of this other form of comedy also dates back to his childhood, when his family lived next door to a circus lot where Ashton’s and Bullen’s would set up their circuses when they were in town. “I wanted to run away with the circus from the time I was very young,” he says. Fact is, he pretty much has.

For updates and information, visit the website and follow World’s Funniest Island on Twitter.

Anh’s new yarns

“That whole period with the Tampa, I was almost ashamed,” comedian Anh Do [1] admits. “I didn’t want to tell anyone I was a refugee because refugees were ‘baddies’, you know?”

The so-called ‘Tampa affair’ – involving the ship that rescued refugees who were alleged, by the Australian government, to have been throwing babies overboard – proved a turning point for Anh Do. He is now embracing his background in his comedy, talking about his own life as part of a refugee family who made it to Australia, and who – against some odds, but with hard work and determination – made good thereafter.

It’s common for comedians to explore the disjunction between how life is universally accepted to be, and how they experience it; for second generation Australians, it’s often about how their necessarily different family values and experiences – informed by the ‘old country’ –  set them apart from their friends and peers. Not so for Anh Do, however. As a stand-up comic – well, to be honest, ‘all-round entertainer’ is more accurate, since Do acts, makes films, hosts game shows, speaks inspriationally and dances to boot – Anh Do has never really played up his Vietnamese origins for humour. A lot of his comedy could be performed by anyone with his talent, irrespective of racial background. Admittedly, this is in part because a lot of the early stuff was prop-based. But even the personal stories were universal: driving the clapped-out car that matched his favourite mode of dress: ‘flanno’; a clapped-out car that was still able to outrun the cops, until they got into their car.

Occasionally, Anh would land a non-comedy role on the strength of his exotic background – you’d catch him wielding a samurai sword in the Cornetto ad, in order to slice the confection open to prove there were no boring bits; or turning up unexpectedly as an enigmatic, initially distrusted outsider in an episode of SeaChange…

These parallel career elements would coalesce deliciously when he appeared on stage as part of an all-star show featuring other ‘wog’ (read, if that word is offensive in your culture: ‘non-Anglo Australian’) comics, called Show Us Your Roots. The irony was particularly golden: the guy who happens to be of foreign extraction who doesn’t actually do comedy about being of foreign extraction, cast in a show featuring a bunch of comics of foreign extraction, but still not doing material about being of foreign extraction in that show! In fact, his comedy was possibly more ‘Aussie’ than anyone’s, since it didn’t speak of the non-Anglo Australian experience at all.

“That’s something I do consciously,” Anh said at the time. “People see me on stage and expect to hear the old ‘eating the dogs’, this, that and the other.” Anh’s comedy wasn’t going to be about playing to racial stereotypes, he explained. “I go looking for material elsewhere. In writing comedy, I go back to my personal experiences. Most of my experiences are just of a kid growing up in a working class background, rather than being Vietnamese as such.”

Anh Do is currently performing at the Sydney Opera House, and nowadays, his comedy is a lot more autobiographical. While audiences are still laughing, they’re also quite moved by some of the stories. Like the one about how Anh and his family came to Australia by boat. “It quite a harrowing journey,” Anh says. “There were 40 refugees on an eight-and-a-half-metre fishing boat. We were shot at by communists, we ran out of food and water, we were attacked by pirates twice. And then we were finally rescued by a German merchant ship.”

Understandably, Anh explains, his parents are grateful to this day and continue to have a great regard for Germans and German culture. “My mum’s got a recipe for sweat’n’sour schnitzel,” he adds, insisting that “that’s not even a joke, man. It’s delicious!”

The Do family’s life in Australia after arrival wasn’t easy. There wasn’t a lot of money, he says, “especially after Dad left when I was 13 years old. Mum was looking after three kids on about six bucks an hour…” Still, this experience is the source of humour, not despair – as it always has been. “I mine my life for laughs,” Anh reminds me, “growing up in the suburbs and what it was like as a bogan kid and, furthermore, a Vietnamese bogan kid. I mean, I was the only Vietnamese kid with a mullet – I looked pretty funny!”

So here it is: non-Anglo Australian comic Anh Do, whose material thus far has been about being an Aussie that happens to be from elsewhere, is now talking about the ‘being from elsewhere’. Anh maintains that he’s still avoiding the broad generalisations of his racial background. “I’m talking about my life as a Vietnamese refugee, which is quite different from just looking for Asian stereotypes,” he says.

Not that deriving humour from stereotypes is evil – that’s where a lot of comics begin. Experience, sophistication and the need to be less like other comics leads to the refinement of telling their own, individual stories. “It’s something I wrestled with for some time,” Anh admits. It was the Tampa incident that proved a watershed.

“I remember being at a dinner for John Howard,” the comic recalls. “This table was bagging refugees and someone asked me, ‘Anh, so, you’re not a refugee, are you?’ and I said, ‘No, I’m not; I’m… I’m a migrant.’ I lied through my teeth. And felt very bad about it afterwards. But at the time, I just wanted to… you know, I wanted to… they just slagged refugees and I just didn’t want to… you know…”

The comic finds it uncomfortable, remembering that moment when he wasn’t prepared to take on the table, or indeed, the room, as the single voice of dissent. It was easier to lie and fit in.

Anh’s faced similar situations before, and been able to deal with them as a comic. There was a Diggers’ reunion, he once told me, where he had to play to old soldiers who’d fought in Vietnam, Korea and World War II against the Japanese.

“I walked up on stage, looking like guys who these old guys have shot. I struggled for the first five minutes, but then after ten minutes they realised, ‘He’s just a Westie kid, really; he’s just a lad’. I went all right, and after the gig, an old guy came up to me and said, ‘Mate, you’re quite funny for a slopehead; do you want me to buy you a beer?’”

Anh’s material at the time would have demonstrated that he was indeed a Westie kid – your typical young Aussie – who just happened to be born in another country. And he wasn’t selling himself short by accepting the beer rather than taking offence at the ‘slopehead’ remark. But that’s different to having to lie about something so fundamental to your life as how you came to survive and live and thrive in another country. Although, to be brutally honest – and totally theoretical – it’s the plight of most comics: it’s an underlying need for acceptance and love – to ‘fit in’ – that leads them, in the first place, to the stage, where they get to bend the perception of reality and prove that there is a world view – their own – that recreates a world in which they are successful, in control and loved. When they do it well enough, it becomes a reality that exists beyond the stage and into their everyday lives.

But bringing it back to a practical level, being confronted, at a dinner for a Prime Minister who was exploiting racial insecurities, and feeling the need to fabricate a biography, was a wakeup call: it was time for Anh to be true to himself. This is what his new material is about. “It’s me saying, ‘this is my life; I’m refugee, I grew up poor; judge me if you will, but that’s who I am’.”

Not that this diminishes Anh’s earlier work. It doesn’t make his older jokes less funny. As Anh explains, this new phase of his career is about “maturing as a comic”. Earlier on, playing pubs and clubs, it was all about “having to get quick and cheap laughs before the bikies start throwing stuff at ya”. Nowadays, he’s playing the Opera House, “where you can actually tell a tale and have meaning and depth and all the rest of it”. It’s all about developing the artistry of entertainment. “But it’s not just about being a refugee,” Anh adds. “It’s also about other things… like being on Dancing with the Stars…”

Yes, of course. Beyond his stand-up career with appearances on The Footy Show helping make him known to people who wouldn’t necessarily see live comedy, Anh Do has had numerous television appearances as an actor and as himself on the small and big screen. Anh made it all the way to the grand final on Dancing with the Stars.

“I was doing eight hours of training a day for six days a week,” Anh says of the experience. “I lost 13 kilos. None of my clothes fit anymore. I was rockin’ up to Channel 7 Studios in my Year 10 school pants, the only things I could wear that wouldn’t just fall off. So I went and gave all my fat clothes to St Vinnie’s and I bought a new wardrobe at my skinny weight. Of course, as soon as Dancing with the Stars finished, I packed the 13 kilos back on within a month.” Anh returned to “Hornsby St Vinnie’s” to relocate his clothes, but they’d been sold. “I couldn’t find a single item,” he says. “There’s a dude out there with all my stuff; if I see him, I will mug him to get my stuff back!”

In addition to appearances on Dancing with the Stars, Anh has appeared on Thank God You’re Here (winning the ‘Most Valuable Player’ trophy on his first appearance) and Deal Or No Deal (where he won $200,000 for a home viewer). He was also a regular on Fat Pizza. He is currently back on SBS fronting The Squiz – the Spicks and Specks of sport, if you will – co-hosted with fellow comics Amelia-Jane Hunter and Jordan Raskopoulos. It’s in keeping with a sporting bent that Anh has demonstrated throughout his career, culminating, of course, with Footy Legends, the movie he made with his brother, Khoa Do. Turns out that footy was Anh’s first love.

“Growing up, all I wanted to do was play football. I wanted to play Origin for New South Wales,” Anh says. “That was my dream.” Part of the reason lies with a very basic lesson Anh learnt very early on: “You get picked on for being different, but as soon as you’re good at sport, all of a sudden you’re one of the guys. I became a pretty decent footballer. I trialled for the Parramatta Eels and the Sydney Roosters in the Under 19s. I didn’t make it – my talent only took me so far. But that was my dream.”

According to Anh, his love of “Aussies and sport” is down to the fact that “we’re always the underdog, but we get in there and we give it a bloody red-hot go”. He offers the Olympics as the best example – a perfect segue for a joke.

“My favourite Olympic sport is Synchronised Swimming,” he says. “I love watching it. I’m always hanging for one of the four girls to get a cramp and start sinking to the bottom because I want to see the other three having to synchronise with her.”

The underdog making good, of course, is as much of a draw in comedy as it is in sport. The comic has to come out to a cold audience that doesn’t know him, that will have fun watching him die if they don’t have fun watching him succeed. But that moment a comic can point out a truth that an audience wasn’t even aware that it knew – that is golden. Anh agrees. He was on a panel of people brought together for Channel 7’s Sunrise program, to discuss The Chaser when it was in the doghouse for its touchy ‘terminally ill kids’ sketch.

“I don’t agree with the sketch,” Anh explains, “but everyone was saying that no one is allowed to make jokes about sick kids. I brought up the point that no one is allowed to make jokes about sick kids… other than sick kids.” Anh does a lot of corporate and charity events as MC and keynote speaker, and, he relates, there was one charity gig at which a father, who had lost a son to cancer, made some jokes about his son and his son’s symptoms. “This room was laughing in empathy with the father,” Anh says. “Other parents, who had kids who were sick, were empathising with laughter. That’s the power of comedy. It can be healing. It can be a great tool for breaking down barriers. It’s powerful.”

Anh Do is proof of the power of comedy – having faced the danger of treacherous seas and pirates as one of several refugees on a tiny fishing boat, now starring in television shows and films and appearing in theatres and even the Opera House. But when Anh couldn’t make it as a footy player and first decided to turn to comedy, was it with one eye on the stardom of film, television and theatre? Or was it just the love of doing comedy itself? According to Anh, it wasn’t either, really.

“I discovered that I just enjoy telling stories,” Anh says. “Within a couple of years of doing comedy, there was a part of me that wanted to tell stories that weren’t funny as well. So I started writing a film, which was made. Now I’m also writing a book – my autobiography. And I’ll continue to tell stories, whether it be in the form of funny stories, as a comedian, or in the form of books or movies. I just like telling yarns.”


  1. ‘Anh’ is pronounced to rhyme with ‘barn’; ‘Do’ is like ‘doe’, the female deer.