"You've seen a woman wiv one breast; you've seen a woman wiv two breasts; but here we have the most amazing thing: a woman wiv free breasts! Count 'em: one, two, free…"
It was my English teacher, the Cracker, who also happened to be an Old Boy of my school, explaining the glorious heyday of the Brookvale Show by delivering the classic carny spruik.
The Brookvale Show was like the Royal Easter Show, but much smaller. It took place on the grounds of Brookvale Oval, in Brookvale. (Brookvale is an industrial suburb of Sydney that links Manly to Dee Why, nowadays mostly full of panel beaters and brothels, with a bunch of daytime cafés - to feed and water the workers - a McDonald's, a big shopping centre, some hardware stores, and more panel beaters and brothels). The school was across the road from Brookvale Oval.
By the time I was in high school, the Brookvale Show had diminished to almost nothing - and disappeared altogether for a couple of decades, until its very successful revival in recent years.
But back when my teacher was a kid, it was the full-on carnival with rides, games, and carni folk such as the multi-breasted maiden of which he spruiked, and the carny barkers of old, in whose style he adopted when spruiking.
I bring it up because, even if said triple-breasted damsel did exist - perhaps she does, and she would certainly trump the mono-mammed ma'am, even though I'd never seen one - she wouldn't be appearing in a carnival near you soon. She'd be online, like the dude with two dicks.
Don't pretend you don't know who I'm talking about.
DoubleDickDude delivered an AMA (an 'I'm A…' autobiographical profile) on reddit that was all the social media rage over the weekend.
It suddenly became the thing for online news and gossip sites to find a polite image to suggest the 100% bonus in his undies - an actual front-Y in his Y-fronts. There was a dish with two bananas, two hot dogs intertwined like rattle snakes rutting and of course, two snakes, intertwined…
Anyway, the point I'll eventually get around to making isn't so much that I hope he's making a great deal of money exploiting his lucky mutation, so much as, if there's a way to make money out of it, I hope he's the one doing it.
Not like the old days where someone born with... I'm avoiding words like 'abnormality' in favour of things like 'less regular physical appearances'... would end up in a 'freak show', billed as part human, part some other species. Like people presenting with Ectrodactyly, aka 'lobster claw syndrome'.
Suffering from psoriasis, it's the 'skin conditions' that fascinate me, none more so than Epidermodysplasia Verruciformis. The 'celebrity sufferer' is Dede Koswara, the dude who's frequently described as 'half man/half tree'. Not as sexy as two dicks though, so not as much of an 'internet sensation'.
DoubleDickDude explained that he's in a relationship with a couple. It's lovely he can make the most of his hidden talent. There must have been a time when it was embarrassing and he probably felt he had no chance. Although, like every dude in that position, DoubleDick or single, surely he would have made the most of it.
George Harrison once dismissed quadrophonic sound, a 'fad' he knew wouldn't endure, because "you've only got two ears, after all". Shane Bourne once joked that the shark, a creature with two penises ('penes' is probably more correct) was most unfortunate. Two penises. No hands.
But DoubleDickDude? Two penises, two hands. More than two handfuls is a waste.
And in his case, it's a good thing, too: if he doesn't relieve the tension by 'knocking the top off it' regularly, and thus clear the lines of excess fluid, he runs the risk of infection. So maybe he would have felt some annoyance, at some stage of his adolescence, not having that third hand to operate the mouse.
Let me digress for a moment.
Among the awesome quotes of a former Australian Prime Minister, Gough Whitlam, is the story of the time he was having a suit specially tailored.
If you're not aware, every man's wedding tackle hangs either to the left or the right, and tailored trousers take this into account, providing the extra material on the side it is required. There is a more polite way of asking 'how's it hanging?', however.
"To which side do you dress?" the tailor asked the Prime Minister.
Prime Minister Whitlam replied, "Both!"
A great, funny line, of course. But it turns out that DoubleDickDude does dress to both the left and right at once.
Before I leave this, I should acknowledge that the Cracker's spruiking spiel, coming to mind in this context, reminds me of a bunch of comedy that if he hadn't quite introduced me to, he certainly encouraged.
There's the minor character from Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, for example: Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six, who describes Zaphod Beeblebrox as "the best bang since the Big One".
From there it's a simple step to Monty Python's Arthur Frampton who, in the first season of Flying Circus, is the man with three buttocks.
Which ultimately reminds me of the story of the man with three assholes, who kept getting cornholed left, right and centre.
I think we're done, until the carny folk return to the Brookvale Show, spruiking "the man wiv free penises". Except they won't. Those days are gone. Nowadays, the unique people are going to turn up online rather than in a tent on sideshow alley.